Thursday, 31 May 2007
I ran into an ex of mine about a year ago. He is an ex from nearly ten years ago and yet seeing him threw me into a bit of an odd tailspin. He'd gotten married, established himself in his career, was driving a nice car, living in a nice neighbourhood. His life looked really good. These were his goals when we were together, and he'd accomplished them after we broke up.
I felt discombobulated. I felt lost. Where was my marriage, my great career, my nice car, my nice home. What had I accomplished in the 9 years since we'd split. 9 years! Nearly a decade had gone by and I was feeling like I had somehow missed it. I wasn't bothered that J had moved on and created a good life for himself. He is a great guy and deserves a great life. I just felt lost and a little freaked out about my own life.
I did a lot of soul searching over the next few days. I went into a deep examination of my life and what I had done with it over the past decade. I came out of my rumination with a clear head and feeling much more stable. Seeing him and seeing all he had accomplished made me realize that I hadn't been paying attention to my own life and what I wanted to accomplish in it.
In reflecting on my life, I really assessed how I had spent the last 9 years. What I discovered was that I was happy with what I had accomplished since J and I had broken up. It may not look as good on paper as spouse, kids, home, car, career. But what I consider my accomplishments aren't so outward. They are my inner fulfillments. They are the things that feed and nurture my soul.
What I really got out of the whole process was to pay attention! You only have the one life and you don't even get to live it for all that long. Don't let it slip away unnoticed. Do things, plan things, have goals and reach for them, be grateful for everyday, be grateful for your health, your body, your family, your friends.
Of course, even I forget to do this, but I will never again let 9 years go by without noticing. I am working toward not letting a day go by without noticing. Once I have that down, I'll work on hours, minutes and seconds.
Peace and love.
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
I am about to shut down though and head outside. As I said it is a gorgeous evening out there and I want to be out in it. I haven't written in nearly a week and even though I don't have anything to say, I thought I'd post for those of you who check in on a regular basis and are sick of seeing the Mackintosh toffee packaging.
I had the craziest acupuncture appointment today. She put needles up either side of my spine and they hurt going in. She asked me how they were as she inserted them. I said "ok" and then she actually said that she really wants me to feel these ones and pushed them in a little more. One of my back muscles spasmed slightly as she slipped the needle into it and, in that instant, I thought my entire back was going to go into spasm. She told me these ones were good for my kidneys, intestines, bladder and liver. She also did two higher up for my lungs and some down my legs for....hmmm...I don't know what those ones were for.
She then left me laying there for probably 20 minutes and the whole time I was so aware of these needles in my back. Every time I inhaled, my muscles tightened around them and I felt like I couldn't get a deep breathe. As the time went on this lessened but not so much that I wasn't aware of them anymore. She came back in and took the needles out and my back felt bruised and sore. She massaged it for a minute and then told me to take my time getting up and then to drink some water right away. It did take me a bit to get up. I felt groggy and light-headed and weird. And then as I walked outside and down the street, I felt great! Not just good. I really felt great. Happy and healthy and tall and strong.
Which is why I am signing off now and heading outside!!
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Well I woke up on Sunday morning thinking about them and craving one. It has easily been well over ten years since I've eaten one of these. My mom and I used to buy them and share them and they still remind me of her. We'd either tear into them using all of our various incisors and jaw power to rip off a hunk. Or we'd toss them in the fridge or freezer and then shatter them into bite sized pieces to enjoy.
I told JM on Sunday that I was thinking about Mackintosh toffee bars and that I was craving one and he freaked out because apparently, just that morning, JM went to the gas station to get a coffee and was looking at the Mack box on the shelf considering buying one. He also had not had one in ages. He of course, did not buy one but then began craving one after I started talking about it. He actually sat at the table mimicking eating one. Putting his hands up to his mouth, biting thin air, pulling his arms far away from his mouth stretching the toffee with a big-eyed face, surprised that the fake toffee could stretch so far, looping his hands back to his mouth and trying again to break off the piece in his mouth from the imaginary candy in his hands.
Well, today I tracked one down. I bought two actually. One for right away and one to put in the freezer and shatter later. The packaging was different than I remembered. I remember more red. Before I opened the box, I shook it and was shocked to feel a lot of movement. A lot. I squeezed the sealed box and the toffee inside only took up about half the package. Come on! I mean, go ahead and give the public less toffee if you want but don't dupe us into thinking that we are getting a full box. And quit ruining our planet with all that extra packaging. This mini outrage was not enough to stop me though.
I bit into the toffee and it was just as I remembered. It tasted exactly as it did 15 years ago. I ate about half the bar. At this point my jaw was aching, I was jittery from the sugar and I felt kinda sick to my stomach. And I felt old. Old and sore and jumpy. This didn't make me feel like a wounded freak when I was kid. Or did it? Is this why it has been half a lifetime since I craved a Mack bar? I think that the second bar I bought might be in my freezer until my next craving. In 15 years.
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
My Grandma has always been a source of inspiration for me. She is a very strong, active, healthy woman...or at least, until recently she always has been. She had a fall about 3 weeks ago. Nothing alarming, but falls don't need to be alarming to do damage when you are 89 years old. She felt dizzy afterward and her back was sore. And then things seemed to deteriorate from there. My dad ended up taking her to the hospital and spending hours with her in emergency.
She hasn't slept in her bed in weeks because her shoulder is so sore that she can't lie down comfortably so she props herself up on the couch to sleep. My sister took her doctor boyfriend over and he looked my grandma over and asked her a bunch of questions and assessed her. My sister then took my grandma to her Dr. appointment later that week and had all the info from her boyfriend to help out with. Although, apparently you never want to walk into a Dr.'s office and list off all the things that you have self diagnosed and are demanding. So she couldn't say "She needs this blood test and those x-rays and these medications." You have to hint toward them with enough info so that the doctor is the one figuring it out.
This sounds to me like how women describe successful marriages in books and movies. Always let the man think it's his idea and you can get anything you want. I guess it's the same with doctors...let them think it's their idea and you get what you want. So my sister played the game and got my grandma the x-rays and the heart rate monitor and the blood test.
I have talked to my Grandma on the phone every couple days over the last 3 weeks and she doesn't sound quite like herself, which is upsetting. And she has never ever asked me for any kind of help before so I was nervous driving over there this morning. She sounded tired and a little depressed on the phone and she just got straight to the point. "Hi, are you working today? I was wondering if you could come over and come with me to get my hair cut and do some laundry. I need to get some things done but am wary about doing them alone." I said 'of course' and headed over.
Nervous is maybe too strong a word for how I felt. Trepidation might be more appropriate. I haven't been in this situation before. I am the youngest of three girls with healthy parents, healthy grandparents (until recently), healthy aunts and uncles, cousins, even friends. I don't necessarily think of myself as a very helpful person. Although I'm never really called on to be helpful. When my other Grandma got sick, everyone else did everything to take care of her.
I'm the girl who leaves her drunk friends in cars or doorways because I'm not that helpful. I once walked away from an older woman who fell in a parking lot because three other people ran to help her. Yeah, three other people ran to help her but I can imagine her telling her story to her ailing, liver spotted husband later that night.
"Oh, yes, those three people were so lovely and helpful but that one girl...she just walked away. She pretended she didn't even see me fall and just walked away. Can you believe it? What kind of young lady doesn't help a frail old woman who's fallen?"
I suppose if I'd been the only one there I might have helped but like I said I've never really been put in the situation of having to be helpful.
I got to my Grandma's and it turns out I'm a superstar. We got her laundry done, her dishes done, her grocery shopping done. I opened and read her her mail, I answered her phone and talked to her doctor, I got things down off of shelves, I stayed while she napped because she wanted me there. I was happy to be there. I had more patience than I knew I had. I was calm. I was comfortable. I was ok with my Grandma needing my help and I was ok helping her. Granted it was small scale helping kind of stuff but we gotta ease me into it. I can't jump right into things I refuse to mention here. One day, but not quite yet.
I will talk to her more often and offer up my help more often. My Grandma needs me now and I am grateful to have the capability to help her. She has been an inspiration to me since I've known what the word inspiration meant and I will give back to her in any way I can for being such a good role model for me.
Monday, 21 May 2007
This is the questionnaire...
What is your favorite word?
What is your least favorite word?
What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
What turns you off?
What is your favorite curse word?
What sound or noise do you love?
What sound or noise do you hate?
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
What profession would you not like to do?
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
It has become one of my favourite parts of the show. It fascinates me because there is so much happening at that moment. You can tell that some of them have prepared ahead of time and have their answers all ready to go. Other's seem to fly by the seat of their pants and answer spontaneously. Some of them are trying to be funny and get a laugh. Other's are trying to be serious and thought provoking. And some just are funny and thought provoking all in one questionnaire and they don't look like they've over prepared and planned out what they are going to say. These are my favourites.
I can't answer these questions because I have over thought every single one of them. I'd be one of the over prepared, trying-to-come-across-a-certain-way people on that show. I wish I wasn't. I'd love to be spontaneous and funny and thought provoking and I think sometimes I am but maybe not in front of a live audience and a camera crew. Actually two of my answers never change. My favourite sound is pouring rain and my favourite curse word is fuck.
One day when I was sitting watching I realized that my answer to the last question about God and the pearly gates, changed daily and so I started stringing them together until it became a monologue on God's part. Apparently I've decided God has a lot to say to me.
The thing is that I really love what God says to me. He says "You are perfect and you are forgiven" He then goes on to say "all of your family and friends are over there waiting to throw you a huge party - go have fun". But it's the "You are perfect and you are forgiven" that I really love. I guess because I believe it. I am perfect and I am forgiven.
Yesterday, when I woke up with a wicked hangover and feeling bad about it, I said this to myself and I felt myself let go of feeling bad. I drank some water, went back to bed, slept the worst of it off and then made the most of my day. I am perfect and I am forgiven.
It's nice. It's freeing. I honestly believe that this really is what God would say to us all. You are perfect and you are forgiven. All those things that we do and then beat ourselves up over, we are forgiven.
Sunday, 20 May 2007
I am making some tea and soup and then am going to make the most out of the rest of my day.
I had fun but right now I feel like I could throw up and not quite sure why I needed to drink so much. I am reading a book about rehab right now and it makes being drunk sound awful and right now it feels kinda awful. I am going to try and get a lot of water in me and then sleep for a long time. I'll update how I feel tomorrow.
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters
Getting Jiggy With It - Will Smith
Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode
Why Can't I Be You - The Cure
Golden Years - David Bowie
Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
Girls - Beastie Boys
Canned Heat - Jamiroquai
Pop Song 89 - REM
Modern Love - David Bowie
Friday, 18 May 2007
I joined facebook last night. In the past two weeks I have gotten 3 requests to join by friends and family and so last night in my sleepiness I signed up. I thought "I'll check it out and see what it's all about and just unsignup if I'm not interested." Well, it's kinda fun so I'll stick around for a bit and see how it goes but I'm not completely sold on it yet. If you are on it, find me and request me as a friend. I just found a kid on there that I used to babysit. Weird.....I guess at 25 he's not a kid anymore.
Now for my favourite random post today, I met the sweetest, cutest, loveliest, most darling little baby yesterday. One of my very good friends LS gave birth on May 1st to pretty much the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I'll get her permission to post a picture of the gem so you can see her too. I held her for ages and if you know me at all, you are already amazed. I'm not so much a baby person. She's just so precious.
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
I generally spill whatever it is I am eating or drinking down the front of me. Or dip my sleeve in it. Or drop it in my lap. On black, most of the time, it just doesn't matter. You can't see the slops and spills and so I can go about all day without people knowing what I slob I am.
I have been trying to wear less black lately and this is the one part that is driving me crazy. I always look messy. That, and now I have to do laundry twice as often. The other day I was on my way to work, driving, listening to talk radio, sipping a coffee and wearing a white shirt. I took a sip of coffee right when the dj said something funny. I smiled and laughed and coffee drooled out of my mouth and down the front of my white shirt. (it just occurred to me that I could start taking a change of shirts everywhere I go.) I had to work and then run errands with a coffee stain on my right boob.
So yesterday, friends of ours (M and C) had TT and I over for a dinner party. I talked to TT shortly before heading over there and said "I just need to get ready and then I am leaving" Alarmed because she was all set to go, TT said back to me "What do you need to do to get ready?" "Oh, I have to change, I am covered in mustard" And I really was. I had at least 4 big splotches of mustard on me. Plus I bought all those cute new clothes so I had to wear something new and fun. (and none of it's black except for the dress). I put on one of my new blue shirts and headed out the door.
So, in keeping with my typical fashion, I spilled red wine on myself while wearing my pretty new shirt. I laughed and pointed it out and tried to dab at it and then just let it dry. You can't get mad when this is something you do daily. I forgot about it and kept eating and visiting and enjoying myself. A couple minutes later I looked down and it was gone. Gone. No stain, no mark, no nothing. You couldn't even tell that I had spilled anything. I believe I have found my new favourite colour to wear and my new favourite shirt. I did a little dance, grabbed my wine to take a sip and slopped it onto my hand and dinner plate.
Some things never change!
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
*I just looked up nother (as in whole nother) on dictionary.com and it's there. Hmmph that has always been a pet peeve of mine.
I am getting really off topic here.
So I got to Superstore and headed to the clothing section and I felt a bit like I was a kid showing up at Disneyland. There was so much to look at and do and I had nearly endless time to do it in.
You see, our Superstore in Vancouver doesn't have this giant wonderful clothing section so I always have to go out of town to find a good one. Richmond, Langley and Abbotsford are all good ones.
First I just walked around, checking out all the clothes and then went around again gathering up everything I wanted to try on...it was a big armful of clothes. I bought some pretty cute things and the most expensive thing I bought was an adorable bubble dress for $29. Everything else was $12 or less. T-shirts for $10 and tanks for $6. Thongs (the shoes) for $3 and tights for $8. I even bought something for JM.
My whole point here is that you should all go check out Superstore's clothing department if you haven't. I came home with basically 8 new outfits for just over $100. Go shopping. Click here for the link to check out their clothes (although much cuter in person) and they have a store locator to find out which ones carry Joe.
Monday, 14 May 2007
This is hard to do...come up with your 10 best dance songs. I either go crazy and end up with 18 songs or get incredibly picky and only have 6 that I really truly love. I spent some time on Saturday and tried to compile and finalize my list. I started with my 10 from April and put them into a playlist on my computer and listened to them. Right away I eliminated 3 which meant having to pick 3 more and then I found about 9 more that I loved and listened to them and eliminated 4 and then had to pare it down and then cut out too many and had to find more. This went on until I went out Saturday night.
Then something great/awful happened. My best friend JM, donated his 10 songs to me. He is super busy with work and studying and band practice and so he let me have his 10 picks. Initially, I thought this was the greatest thing ever! Now I don't have to pare down my list. But the thing is that I want to pick the 20 greatest dance songs that I can possibly pick. I want every single song to get a great reaction. I want each song to start and for at least half the party to be happy and keep dancing.
Sunday, I sat at my computer and went through all of my playlists and if I thought it might be a good dance song I added it to a new dance list. At the end of that exercise I had 42 songs. I went through that list, listening to the first 30 seconds of each song and easily eliminated 15 songs. The back and forth of eliminating and adding started again and an hour later I had a pretty good list of about 22 songs. I considered sneaking in 22 songs but decided that I really wanted to find 20. It was a challenge now to get the best 20 songs.
This afternoon, I did one last run through of the list and pared it down to 20 songs and then played them on random while I cleaned and got ready for work. Each song made me happy and made me feel like dancing. I split the list in two and emailed JM his 10 songs for approval. He had the option to veto any song that he didn't want attached to his name for the dance party. He emailed back that he loved the songs, so we are good to go.
I haven't copied them to a cd yet because I want the freedom to change my mind in the next 5 days if I decide to. You never know what great new (or old) song you might discover or remember. Now to share my songs with other invitees so that we can avoid duplicates. It takes away from the element of surprise for any gems you have on your list but really we might have 18 copies of Scissor Sisters - Don't Feel Like Dancing, if we don't share.
So with no further adieu, here are my (and JM's) songs...
Jamiroquai - Little L
Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb
Robbie Williams - Rock DJ
Will Smith - Will2K
Cake - Love You Madly
Tom Jones f. The Cardigans - Burning Down the House
The Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Momma Out
Jamiroquai - Love Foolosophy
New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle
Scissor Sisters - Don't Feel Like Dancing
Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
Will Smith - Getting Jiggy With It
Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence
Shakira - Hips Don't Lie
Madonna - Holiday
Wham - I'm Your Man
Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
REM - Pop Song 89
Mika - Relax, Take it Easy
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Monday, 7 May 2007
I was supposed to be back at work today but the student texted me this morning and wasn't going to be in class so I have an unexpected day off. I am trying to make the most of it. Visit with my mom, errands, cleaning etc.
Oh by the way, I rented a ton of movies while I've been sick and I just have to say that Children of Men is incredible. He filmed a lot of the movie in really long elaborate takes and there are two in particular that blew my mind. The first one is in a car and it is some of the most brilliant film-making I have ever seen. The second is near the end of the movie and it is astonishing in it's length. It is 9 minutes without a cut. It's beautiful. I totally recommend seeing this movie. There is an extra on the DVD showing how they filmed the scene in the car...totally amazing!
Alright, this was my procrastination from cleaning so I am going to get back to it.
Sunday, 6 May 2007
I want to feel good. I want to be healthy and be able to breathe deeply through my nose and let it out without coughing. I want to be able to go more than an hour without blowing my nose. I want to sleep through the night without waking up to cough or drink some water because my mouth is so dry from having to sleep with my mouth open because I can't breathe through my nose. I want to have no sinus pain. No chest pain. No throat pain. No headaches.
Alright, now that I have that out of me I can focus on the good. I feel better than I did last week. I have been fortunate to have this time off work so I haven't had to miss any work since I've been sick. I go back to work tomorrow and am well enough to do so. I have a safe, warm home to be sick in and a cat to keep me company (and busy). I have my overall health. Nothing about this cold is life or death.
I emailed my chiropractor and chinese medicine doctors yesterday with a desperate plea. What do I do. I feel awful. I can't sleep because of the pressure in my sinuses and at this point I am just frustrated and emotional. It's been three weeks and just six weeks since my last cold. This isn't normal for me. I am generally a one cold a year kinda girl. I am tempted to go see my GP but she will give me antibiotics and I don't want to take them if I don't need to. We have enough superbugs already. I believe this is one of them. (Stop getting flu shots people! Yes, the flu sucks but we are only making it a meaner, harder to shake kind of flu.)
My Dr of CM emailed me back. Come pick up a herb to take and start doing sinus irrigations with salt and baking soda in water.
I picked up the herb and made it into tea to drink. Then I mixed salt and baking soda into warm water and flushed out my sinuses. (A weird but not entirely unpleasant feeling). I left the mixture on the counter to use again later. Later in the evening Cooper puked and when I went to clean up the hairball, all I found was a puddle of dirty water. He puked again minutes later and it was the same thing. Then I went into the bedroom and found two more puddles of watery puke. I am guessing that Coop drank the salty, baking soda-y water and found that it wasn't meant for drinking. I tossed the batch and made a fresh one. I can't imagine it'll do any damage to him. (update on Coop - He is perfectly fine and playful today and avoiding the water mixture on the kitchen counter)
Update on me today - my sinuses aren't so congested but I am still blowing my nose every other hour and have developed a lovely cough trying to get the fluid out of my chest. I am not ready to give up on fighting this naturally, I don't think antibiotics would do anything for me anyway. Once tomorrow comes and I am back at work and busy again, I am hoping that I even just forget about being sick. I hope for a distraction if not health. Health would be preferable but I will gladly take the distraction.
Tuesday, 1 May 2007
Then for my first treatment she did cupping on my back and put acupuncture needles in my ankles, behind my knees, the back of my neck and my wrists. She also put electrodes on my collar. The needles didn't hurt. I could feel a slight prick when she put them in but only the ones on the right side of my body. I didn't feel a thing with the four on the left side of my body. The electrodes didn't feel like anything...I didn't even notice them once they were on. The cupping was the crazy part.
According to Wikipedia, to do cupping... "a vacuum is created by air (heated by fire) in a glass cup placed flush against the patient's skin. As the air cools in the cup, a vacuum forms that pulls up on the skin, stimulating the acupressure effect." She did this with 4 cups and then would slide them around my back and then leave them in one place for 5 minutes or so before sliding them around some more. The longer they were on my skin the more they started to hurt. Although, hurt is a pretty strong word. It was mostly just uncomfortable. The higher up they were on my back the more uncomfortable they were too. I took a picture of my back when I got home and this is what it looked like.
She also did an iodine test on me to see if I am getting enough iodine and sent me home with a week's worth of herbs to help boost my immune system. I have another appointment with her next week and I am looking forward to it.